65. Give before you take
I’ve spoken about this with my good friend Erik Birkeneder for over a decade now. That shared perspective (among many other qualities) is…
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I’ve spoken about this with my good friend Erik Birkeneder for over a decade now. That shared perspective (among many other qualities) is largely why I think we’ve been such good friends over the years.
Our qualm is that in business (and life generally) there are too many takers and not enough givers. I’ve noticed a significant problem with folks that message me and just come up with an ask of me: “Oh Tony I need X from you” or “I need you to do Y.” It’s only gotten worse as of late, since I think the requests are a bit more automated.
That’s not how life works. You don’t get to just ask people for things. You need to provide a reason for them to help. What a time to be alive and to have no patience for things. You don’t even have to wait for most of your favorite TV shows to release an episode at a time. Now everyone just binges everything as soon as it is available. Apparently, that lack of discipline and patience has translated into poor manners when it comes to interacting with people. People don’t just exist because you think you are the main character in the universe.
We’ve emphasized the concept that “a closed mouth doesn’t get fed” as a society, and to me it feels less like initiative and more like entitlement. No one owes you anything. You have to earn the right to ask people to help you. By the way, this includes by contract! Many people I’ve come across just assume that contract is reality. Absolutely not, it is a social obligation for parties to adhere to certain obligations, but nothing stops one party from breaching the contract. It is social law, not a physical one.
Selfishness and operating in a self-centered manner might be easier from a cognitive load perspective, but I don’t support and have made it a mission to remind my network not support that type of behavior. Why? Because if I help that selfish person, I have no guarantee that person is going to pay it forward, and life is too short to help only a handful of selfish people who won’t help others. You might have a different reason for operating, but emphasizing a sense of community and encouraging charity is mine. I also sincerely believe that people who aren’t predisposed to giving, by being forced to do so they will start to find some joy in it and, dare I say it, change them for the better.
So here’s the reminder: Even if you are asking someone for something, they are still a SOMEONE. That means you should treat them like a human being and start with giving, whether its a platitude or a sincere request for how someone is doing, do the smallest of courtesies and give before you take. I think you’ll find that your relationships will blossom, both personally and professionally.
Also, just from the perspective of not being an a**$hole. That’s a good reason to do something too.