#34 Givers and Takers

This is post #34 of my #365 day series.

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One of my favorite books is The Giver, but that’s not what I’m writing about today. I’m writing about how people fall into two buckets, the givers and the takers. I’ve done my fair share of transactions over the past decade, both for my own businesses and as an attorney doing deals for my clients. What I’ve seen throughout it, is a steady progression of more and more people shifting to a mentality of asking for more than they give. I will concede the point that these observations may have only come with time and experience, and that it is a real possibility that the ratio of folks has not increased, only my awareness of them. I’d like to think I’m a bit more self-aware then that, but I’ll acknowledge my bias nonetheless.

“But Tony, what about the middle ground where people both give and take?” Nope, there are only those two buckets. Those that give more than they take earn the giver status in my book.

I first recognized the gap in ratio between givers and takers when I met one of my mentors, Michael Roster. Michael ends every conversation with “How else can I help?” When I heard him say it for the first time it hit me, I can’t remember the last time anyone had ever asked me that. Roster was a giver, and has proven over the years to give way more than he can take (I’m not even sure if he knows how at this point). With that said, we have Roster on one end of the spectrum, and then I have the other end of the spectrum. People who ask me for my time, my network, and my resources. All of those are things I’m willing to give, but as I’ve gotten older I realized that not everyone is deserving, especially since I do ask for something in return — for people to pay it forward.

These days, when I notice the trend for someone to be more of a taker than a giver, I purposely withhold my time and resources. Why? Well, I don’t want to, but frankly the unfair takers need to be taught a lesson. I am not just a mountain of wealth. My time is limited, so it’s more akin to a well that replenishes every so often. I have to dig deep to dole out my time to others, and if you’re not someone who is willing to pay it forward, then why would I give such a finite resource? I know you’re thinking about someone now who is on the wrong side of the ratio of giver versus taker. The sad reality of it is, that people think constantly about the transactional nature of relationships. “I’ll only do something for them if they do something for me.” What a terrible way to live.

I have really good friends now who started of as clients or acquaintances. When we first got to know each other, many would ask why I was generous with my time. My response was always “You seemed like a good person, and good people need help.” If you think of yourself as a good person, you have to carry with you the mentality that others need help and you have a surplus of that help that you can give. The best is to give without expectation of return. It’s both good and healthy, since you’re not left with resentment around why you did something. As long as you judge the person to be good and willing to pay it forward, you can and should feel free to dole out your resources. That said, I encourage the opposite approach when dealing with the unfair takers — hold back, don’t give your time to someone who is going to stop there and end the giving chain. Life’s too short, and there are too many good people who need help.